Who I Am....

Hello Friends, A friend of mine just sent this to me and I thought I would share it with you. I could definitly relate to a lot of what he wrote in here:


Good morning fellow believers. Today I would like to share something I wrote myself. I wrote this last year just after I finished reviewing some final documentation concerning a long term relationship I was no longer in. I wrote down what I felt I contributed in that relationship and I was not pleased with what I had written. I compared it to relationships I had from long ago and I began to see a pattern. In recovery circles we call this process an "inventory". Basically it is a look into our past and one thing it covers is resentments we hold on to and what part we played in the resentment. It was amazing to me how backwards I had it. All this time I thought I was the victim, when the truth was I causing a large portion of the pain in all the relationships I was in. Sometime we need to step back and look at our past situations and focus on our actions, it is surprising what we learn about ourselves.Another term you will hear around the recover coffee pot is "Amends". An amends is not an apology, it is doing everything in your power to set right the wrongs you have done. Sometimes amends is not possible and you just have to let it be.I wrote this for all the amends I wasn't able to make.

Who I am
I am the 17 year old boy that took you out on a few dates and never called you after I achieved my intended goal.

I am the 20 year old blue collared worker sitting in the café where you try to enjoy your lunch, but you can't because me and my friends are staring at you and making rude comments.

I am the 23 year old who purposely over served you at the bar where we met, hoping to enjoy some selfish pleasure while you were not in complete control of your senses. But when you got sick from all the drinks I served you, I left you to take care of yourself and find your way home.

I am the 27 year old that dated you for 6 months and then decided to date a friend of yours instead, not ever concerning myself with how it might affect you.

I am the 33 year old who promised to marry you when the time was right, fully knowing in my mind the time would never be right.

I am the 38 year old who vowed to be faithful to you and stand by your side for the rest of our lives, but when the relationship became difficult, instead of fighting for us, I gave into loneliness and lust.

I am the 44 year old that decided the life we spent years building was not good enough and I needed to explore my options.

I am the 50 year old dad that spends very little time with you, my daughter, because I am very busy rebuilding my life that I blame others for destroying.

I am all of these people and I have something to say: I was wrong.
No apology could make amends for the pain I have caused the women of this world, but still I try.

I am the 82 year old man you met in the park and you wondered why I am so sweet and kind to women.

Now you know why and you know who I am.

To Forgive or Not To Forgive

One day there was a husband and a wife, and the wife decided to leave the husband and pursue the things of this world, her husband was deeply hurt.

So the husband did some things he shouldn't like moved out on his wife and punished her with silence... anyways as time went on the wife decided to pursue the “pleasures” of others and found that is was less fulfilling then what she had hoped for, it did help numb the pain but the pain never really left...she relayed this to her husband. In this time God spoke to the husband and said, Forgive and Love your wife...and the husband said "what?" and God said Forgive and Love your wife...and the husband so "No!". Then God said Forgive and Love your wife because you made a covenant with me...even when she was unlovable (For better or for worse)...and the husband said "did I say that?”, "I didn't know what I signed up for?"

The husband continued to try to rationalize with God. "How can I do that, I don't know how to Love someone like that?" and I also don't want her back...God said, "You don't have to take her back but you do have to Love and Forgive her"...

And the husband began to remind God of all the things she did, "God, she lied about what she has been doing, who she has been with, she has broken our vows and has betrayed my trust. She has bad mouthed me to everyone, she stole money from me, ruined my business, took my kids from me, she is out partying and drinking and may I remind you she got a new house, new car, and new boobs....I mean, she betrayed me then laughed at me behind my back..and I got proof Lord"...How can you really expect me to forgive her, she has ruined my whole life, has moved on with other relationships and is still divorcing me...and remember God you hate divorce, can you send some wrath her way? She doesn't seem to be experiencing any consequences... Lord I have tried to take a different path, I chose to run to you, but I feel more alone and embittered, I feel like the consequences have fallen on me!.. I have lost my business, I have lost the ability to tuck my kids in bed, and I have been used and mistreated. I have been far from perfect and I admit I have fallen short in many areas of holding bitterness, gossiping and un-forgiveness but it certainly isn't a lifestyle and they are areas I have been working hard to change...I mean, really Lord, why should I forgive she doesn't deserve it, she isn't asking for it and she doesn't care either way?"

Then the Lord reminded the husband of Matthew 18:23-35

about the Master who went to settle his debts with his servants, one servant owed him 10,000 talents which is equivalent to 1 billion dollars today...and the servant couldn't pay so the Master said throw this one in jail until he can pay, the servant begged the Master to give him more time and the master took compassion on him and forgave his whole debt that the servant could never pay!

Sometime later the servant ran into someone that owed him the equivalent of $7500.00 and told the person to pay up, that servant said please have mercy on me and give me time to pay, but the other servant was adamant that he pay, and had the servant thrown in Jail. When the master heard of this, he called the servant back and said "You wicked servant", he said "I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you? In anger the master had the servant turned over to the jailer to be tortured until he could pay all that he owed...

The husband realized that this un-payable debt was the debt Jesus paid on the cross for him, and he realized that the other servant who owed the smaller amount of money was everyone else in the world that has hurt the husband… And that God was saying that he was obligated to forgive because he has been forgiven.

The husband has been in great sorrow over this because he understands that truth but his heart has grown hard and cold towards the one person on earth God wants him to forgive the most....Also he is agonizing over the thought of loving someone who does not want him back. The husband realized God is calling him to a much higher standard of Love, one that is not predicated on whether he receives anything in return...a completely selfless Love. This is what the husband has been asking God to teach him, how to Love but he is not sure he wants to learn anymore if that is the only way to learn.

The Husband doesn’t' mind receiving this kind of Love but is having a hard time grasping how to give it. Much less, towards someone who has hurt him the deepest and is seemingly unapologetic of her actions.

Lord I pray that you would help this husband understand the depth of your love and give him the ability and the willingness to Love others that way, especially those who have hurt him the deepest. Give him the determination to choose to love when his heart doesn't feel like it, and the persistence to carry it out. Knowing that he may not get what he believes is best for him and knowing that the people he is loving may continue to hurt him and ultimately reject him. Give him strength to persevere even when the world says he is crazy and his heart says he is crazy, remind him with your truth, that you call us to go against what is easy and do what makes no sense…to Forgive those who seem unforgivable.